


public safety announcement

by AzureNight



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters: X & Y | Pokemon X & Y Versions
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Not Beta Read, please dont take this seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27195778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AzureNight/pseuds/AzureNight
Summary: in the interest of keeping the people of our wonderful region safe, read this government-issued pamphlet on how to stay safe. please be aware this is an abridged version; see Viola for the complete guide to staying alive.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	public safety announcement

**Author's Note:**

> what if kalos was just like,,,, night vale pretty much. 
> 
> please enjoy this, i wrote it at 4am and thought other people should be subject to my mad rambling.

**Human Settlements**

_Vaniville_

  * the inhabitants of this idyllic rural town have become very adept at sleeping with their eyes open. if visiting, invest in eyedrops. (you don’t want to know what lurks, beyond the field of vision.)
  * they have a mayor, despite the small size; this position is only awarded to the few who have mastered 360 degree vision, and have not blinked in (a minimum of) 4 years.



_Aquacorde_

  * there is no Pokécentre, despite there being a bureau where free healing is available. this speaks badly of the town, for even Nurse Joy to avoid it, especially when Route 1 is so dangerous, and so close.
  * don’t drop coins in the fountain. they only serve as a trail for them to find you. do not take coins out of the fountain. it is made of acid and will burn you.



_Santalune_

  * new trainers unsure of the dangers of the region should seek Viola out at her gym, and ask for an album. she will know what you mean, and provide you with a short, 347-page book on the well-known dangers of Kalos. it will spontaneously combust after 34.7 days in your possession, and you will need to ask her for it again if you have not read it cover to cover. she will charge you the second time you ask for the book. if you are having trouble reading the ancient sanskrit, consider asking Clemont to install the language in your brain.
  * the trainer’s school is a trap. no student has ever graduated, nor will ever graduate; they are stuck in stasis. it is advised to avoid the building.
  * the statue of roselia is sentient only at night on wednesday and the weekends. curfew on those days is sundown, as it attempts to brutally crush any passers-by under its stone flowers. tourist casualties are most often thrown into the void in Couriway, to avoid complications and unpleasant statistics.



_Lumiose_

  * the gym leader, Clemont, is an ai. as is his sister, Bonnie. don’t be obnoxious about it. they’re just as human as you are.
  * missingno has been seen in the city. we are unsure what to do with the kantonian glitch, but we are currently negotiating peace talks and a visa for it. as of now, it is an illegal immigrant, so please attempt to minimise contact with it.
  * there is a parasite called Essentia, that possesses young, homeless children and uses their bodies to fight crime. this is an honour. Nurse Joy will be quite happy to help heal your wounds once Essentia is done with your body.
  * for the love of fuck, don’t drink the canal water. the radioactive glowing won’t look so cool when you’re 6 feet under.



_Camphrier_

  * the wall around town is to protect you. please do not graffiti messages onto it, as this weakens the runic wards against zombies.
  * we have not and will not install a fence around the void-moat. if people want to get wiped from existence, it isn’t our place to stop them from doing so.



_Ambrette_

  * the fossil lab is only allowed to revive sail and jaw fossils. any other fossils are banned by law. (this was enacted after the fiasco of 1599, wherein ambitious fossil researchers attempted to bring a human fossil back to life. this was the first time in recorded history that zombies were created. luckily, they never got past Camphrier’s walls. however, being stuck in Ambrette they began to breed. roughly 65% of the population of the town has zombie ancestry.)
  * the aquarium is run, unsurprisingly, by zombies. all the fish are dead and decomposing, or have adapted in a very short amount of time to be able to eat their dead and decomposing brethren. the problem with zombies running an aquarium, is they forget the fish need to be fed, you see.



_Cyllage_

  * Grant’s gym is a climbing themed gym. originally it was a bungee-jumping gym, but then people started listening to the call of the void, and plummeting to their deaths from upper route 8. he now holds mandatory climbing classes for all Cyllage residents.
  * the bicycle shop here accidentally created time travel, by creating a motor that could power a bicycle to the speed of light. the technology has since then been confiscated by the government and the patent sold to The Boutiques, but it was nice while it lasted.



_Geosenge_

  * there is a weapon of mass destruction below the town. please do not use it to get back at cheating exes; unova will only accept the fireworks excuse so many times until they start upping the military budgets and threatening to bomb us again. having to wipe unova from existence would be a shame, as they invented hot dogs.
  * our very own team flare has decided to use the weapon. please be discreet, we don’t want them to realise that everyone knows about it, not just them.



_Shalour_

  * Korrina teaches a class called Street Brawling On Rollerblades in her gym at precisely 26:31, that lasts negative 3 hours. please do not abuse this to get out of power plant duties. whilst not illegal, you will get bored eventually and are only prolonging your fate.



_Coumarine_

  * the monorail may or may not be a form of limbo; we are investigating. it appears to pass over a rift in space-time, and please be kind to those eternally stuck riding the train.
  * Ramos is a lie, and does not exist. to get the badge, enter the gym, and if you survive the cocktail of hallucinogens and bioweapons as you climb a dilapidated play structure, you get the badge. unfortunately, this violates non-Kalosian osha, so tourists can no longer participate, as they complained of mild ailments such as death. we have built a fake gym next to the Pokécentre for them.



_Laverre_

  * bring an air filter, whilst visiting, and don’t accept food from the locals. otherwise, you will become a local too, and you’ll never leave until your body decays and feeds the fungi the city is famous for.
  * Valerie has been alive for upwards of 300 years. it is rude to enquire about a lady’s age however, and she looks 20, so will be treated as such. Elderly people, don’t feel cheated: you could have sold your identity to the fae too, if you wanted to get out of power plant duties.



_Dendemille_

  * there is a portal to the shadow dimensions in the fields. if you bring back souvenirs, be aware your shadow clone will not hesitate in killing you to get it back. train extensively in martial arts if you plan to do such a thing.



_Anistar_

  * the Anistar sundial has hypnotic qualities, and it is advised against looking at it for too long, lest you suffer mental damage.
  * Olympia is a skilled mind healer. do not hesitate to reach out to her if you fear your mind has been tampered with; she accepts payment in human money, and is also human. (this, you might gather, is a rare occurrence.)



_Couriway_

  * the train station is not for traversing space, it is for traversing time. it is illegal to enter the station without a permit.
  * there is nothing hiding behind the waterfalls.



_Snowbelle_

  * please remember that, whilst locals are able to withstand the negative 30 celsius temperatures because they sold Wulfric’s soul to Xerneas, you are not granted this immunity. pack warm clothes. 



_Kiloude_

  * this city is accessible by train, and only train. vast wastelands surround it. do not try and leave through the wastelands. no one has ever returned. the train is completely free. please use the train.



  
  


**Landmarks**

_Azure Bay_

  * there are three powerful and dangerous spirits haunting the bay. they’re not even that hard to catch, (or that powerful, or dangerous, to be frank,) but as they are native to kanto and have only arrived in Kalos due to a freak-wormhole, they will probably die soon after you catch them. you’ve no need to put yourself through that heartbreak.



_Santalune Forest_

  * the forest perfectly matches kanto’s viridian forest mondays, thursdays, and fridays. on alternating saturdays, it matches petalburg woods. these are the only days it is safe to traverse.



_Pokémon Village_

  * do not intrude upon the resting place of Xerneas, if you value your sanity.



_Connecting Cave_

  * if you exit the cave in coastal Kalos on weekdays, you will arrive in Cyllage. exit on weekends, and find yourself in upper route 8. plan accordingly for this distortion of spacetime.



_Glittering Cave_

  * venturing cautiously into the cave in search for sail and jaw fossils is acceptable. turn back after finding 3 of either—no more and no less. go in further, and you’ll find human remains stuck in the walls. go in further still, and you will encounter your own skeleton, trapped in amber and resin. if you get to this point, there’s no turning back; you can only hope a friend sends a search party.
  * please inform your friends and family when you plan an expedition into the cave, for the above stated reason.



_Reflection Cave_

  * you will see sides of yourself, in the mirrors, that you do not want to face. you will see sides of others, that you do not want to contemplate. couples considering marriage should take a leisurely stroll through this cave together, to ensure they are compatible matches. this is enforced by law, as per the referendum of 1379. (the divorce statistic has gone down by 82% since implementing this law.)
  * whilst the cave stretches down to the core of the earth, not only does it get too hot when going down, the carbink will also get very unhappy and chase you out. Diancie is hibernating, and you are not welcome to be in Diancie’s presence.



_Terminus Cave_

  * Zygarde has a taste for human flesh. as such, please stay away from their abode.
  * daring friends and rivals to enter the cave is legally classified as 1st degree murder. this make it very hard to find a job. do not dare friends and rivals to enter the cave.



_Frost Cavern_

  * stay here too long and your vision will cloud permanently with fog. stay just the right amount of time, and never again feel discomforted by the cold.



_Chamber of Emptiness_

  * don’t stay in here too long or you’ll start feeling empty, too. in the days after the visit, dampened emotions are perfectly normal, and no cause for worry, if symptoms persist after three weeks, see Olympia. she will help for a price of money. if she can do nothing, bring sentimental possessions to Laverre, and hope that Valerie is in a state of mind to help you.



_Parfum Palace_

  * beware the vapours in the air. 
  * due to the current owner being of unovan descent, and a fool, he has put up statues of zekrom and reshiram in his garden. this has angered Zygarde, and we expect Them to destroy the palace any day now with a violent earthquake. the general populace is discouraged from visiting.



_Shabboneau Castle_

  * the castle has been empty for years, yet never closes. this is because the state-organised mafia has chosen shabboneau as its headquarters. mentioning this to tourists is illegal and will net you a hefty fine of half a cubic centimetre of flesh.
  * instead of a moat, there is void. don’t fall in, as this will instantly erase you from the mind of all your friends and family, and your acquaintances with mild dislike for you will have to organise a funeral, to which nobody will show up. 



_Berry Fields_

  * for those looking to train for Coumarine gym, come here. the owner ensures the bioweapons in the air are mild enough that you will survive, and it helps to build an immunity.



_Lost Hotel_

  * never go in on sundays: the hotel is infinite on sundays. don’t bring any electrical appliances if you enter on a tuesday, or the ghosts will steal them.



_Pokeball Factory_

  * there are quite a few experimental pokéballs kept here, including those that would capture humans. do not enter without a security badge, employee swipe card, and safety buddy.



_Kalos Power Plant_

  * the power plant runs on life-force energy. we are not unethical, however; only those over 90 who will probably die any day now are drained. anyone caught protesting this will be eliminated by the state-organised mafia.



_Tower of Mastery_

  * the tower rises eternal into the heavens; no one has ever been to the top. you will not be the first. come back down if you value existing.



_Victory Road_

  * there’s a crumbling temple to a forgotten god situated right before the league. (actually, we are fairly sure it was dedicated to Yveltal. however, ‘forgotten temple’ is a buzzword for tourists and we like the revenue, thus we will selectively ignore any evidence of our ancestors worshipping Yveltal at this site. to remedy the slight, we now have an annual sacrifice of blood at the league building.)



_Pokémon League_

  * Wikstrom is from the 18th century. insisting we are in the 21st upsets him. please refrain from doing so.
  * there is a secret national betting pool on how many weeks are left until drasna resigns.
  * Malva is a malevolent fire spirit. she will not challenge you to a pokémon battle, but a fistfight. however is it impossible for her to lose as this would implode the timeline. thus, you are permitted to skip her when challenging the elite 3.
  * don’t accept gifts of food from Siebold; though he is a master chef, he shares his taste in meat with Zygarde.



  
  


**Routes**

_1 - Vaniville Pathway_

  * the route is empty, as long as your eyes are open. don’t blink.



_2 - Avance Trail_

  * carefully cultivated to be beginner-friendly, there is nothing remarkable about this route. many Kalosians flock here to experience exotic “non-Kalosian normality” but often find themselves bored by how little goes on.



_3 - Ouvert Way_

  * this route no longer exists, due to classified reasons. please do not talk about this route, go on this route, or otherwise acknowledge this route’s existence.



_4 - Parterre Way_

  * don’t get lost in the hedges. (you won’t be able to get out.)



_5 - Versant Road_

  * beware the pollen in the flowers; the true Coumarine gym uses it as one of the components in the air.



_6 - Palais Lane_

  * you will be told that the tall grass is more dangerous than the open lane. do not believe this. do not engage with the trainers on the open lane.



_7 - Rivière Walk_

  * the battle chateau is a respectable organisation, and you can trust that you will walk out of it alive no matter what happens. just remember that you will be stuck within its confines with no food or drink until you tip the staff.
  * do not pose for the artists who frequent the route. they are trying to steal your face.
  * the daycare is completely legitimate, however be warned that they accept payments in blood, not money.



_8 - Muraille Coast_

  * the sea will sing and beseech you join it; please ignore the sea. it is very lonely and doesn’t understand that human beings cannot breathe underwater. if you care strongly about the sea, you can add your body to the registry, to be thrown into the depths upon your inevitable demise.



_9 - Spikes Passage_

  * shoes are banned on this route. as is any mode of transportation that is not walking. beware the abundant glass, and uneven terrain.



_10 - Menhir Trail_

  * the great stones here are mass graves for pokémon, who’s residual energy is used to power the super-weapon hidden under Geosenge town. please do not have intercourse on the graves, no matter how edgy you are. the ghosts will take offence and remove both primary and secondary sex organs, depending on how vindictive they feel.
  * trans youth are discouraged from using this method as surgery, despite its effectiveness.



_11 - Miroir Way_

  * glowing crystals sprout from the ground. they are not actively dangerous, but don’t stay on the route too long, or you will grow a second pair of arms, controlled by the crystals. having these amputated is painful.



_12 - Fourrage Road_

  * do not enter the pen with the skiddo. they are fast and they will impale you, leaving your body for the carnivorous sawsbuck to eat.



_13 - Lumiose Badlands_

  * beware the dangers hiding beneath; you will get pulled under and buried alive, if you aren’t careful. always make sure you have made an offering to Yveltal for safe passage, before traversing the route.
  * if you ever get lost in a sandstorm, it is already too late. the horizon is gone, and you are trapped on an eternal plane of nothingness. Yveltal will protect you from sandstorms if you offer fresh fruit and sugar.



_14 - Laverre Nature Trail_

  * the abandoned playground is not for use by the living. by night, smile, as you hear deceased children playing and laughing.
  * the ghost in the house to the west of the route is friendly, and enjoys telling stories. please indulge them, as they are a good person and deserve some joy in their afterlife.



_15 - Brun Way_

  * those 15 and under should enter the lost hotel through this route
  * do not disturb the shaking piles of leaves. do not give them the chance to switch places with you. it is a dark, lonely existence, hiding in the piles.



_16 - Mélancolie Path_

  * those over the age of 15 should enter the lost hotel through this route
  * the fishing shack is not permitted to buy your organs. it has not attained a permit. please be aware of this when visiting, as the owner is a siren and very persuasive.



_17 - Mamoswine Road_

  * there is no human path through the snow. accept this fact, and pay compliments to the mamoswine so that they might grant you safe passage.
  * your life depends on the mamoswine carrying you through the thick snow. do not anger the mamoswine; the herd has permission to murder unpleasant riders.
  * if your fingers start falling off due to frostbite, don’t panic. this is easily reversible at the nearest Pokécentre. 



_18 - Vallée Étroite Way_

  * do not accept the inverse trainer’s offer for a battle; the electrons and protons in your body will switch charges and you will be electrocuted to death.
  * ignore the wailing you hear from Terminus Cave. it’s too late for them now.



_19 - Grande Vallée Way_

  * the bridges collapse thrice a day at random intervals; please do not be standing on the bridges during these random intervals. if you or a loved on is standing on a bridge during one of these intervals, please say nothing and go about your day as normal. it will not kill you, and you will reappear safely next to the bridge shortly. aftereffects include a stronger pull towards the void and being temporarily immune to gravity.
  * some planks that appear to be there are simply illusions, and not actually there. please consult the Grande Vallée Way field guide for details as to which planks are not actually there.



_20 - The Winding Woods_

  * they are filled with phantump. go in far enough and you’ll find a mass grave, that the trevenant built, with flowers growing from every orifice in the bodies, and phantump slipping free from the confines of their human bodies. (don’t linger too long, lest your body join the pile.)



_21 - Dernière Way_

  * you will find a man who will sell you power, in exchange for your emotions, located close to a large, ever-rippling lake. what you chose to do is up to you, but know this; the more central the emotion to who you are, the greater the power he sells.



_22 - Détourner Way_

  * so close to the pokémon league, you may notice ghosts of deceased champions roaming. pay them no mind; the state mafia will be there soon to return them to the afterlife.



  
  


**Prominent Companies**

_The Pokécentres_

  * they are vaster on the inside, but, nonetheless, finite and mapped out. remember to take breaks, once in a while, and enjoy breathing the oxygen they provide.
  * there is only one Nurse Joy. please do not inform tourists of this, as they tend to make ridiculous claims such as this being ‘impossible.’ 
  * please also do not mention that Nurse Joy has reached Enlightenment and as such is omniscient and omnipresent, as this also elicits their ridiculous claims, and our Nurse doesn’t deserve to be targeted with such negativity.
  * cults dedicated to Nurse Joy should never sacrifice pokémon.



_The Boutiques_

  * these exist only between 11:11 and 18:42. ensure you are not inside during the times which they are vaporised and removed from existence, unless you have accumulated enough style points, in which case you will be asked to pay a small fee in exchange for rewriting your life. be aware this is a two-time only service. disobey and be blacklisted from The Boutiques.



_Lysandre Labs_

  * the holo-caster is spying on all your conversations. this is the least surprising thing about the region. (what do you mean companies elsewhere don’t do this? how else are they going to try and brainwash you into buying stuff you don’t need? preposterous!) 
  * we understand there may be some confusion: lysandre labs is a purely Kalosian company. team flare is simply headed by a government-ordained doppelgänger of the ceo. we hope this helps clear things up for the people.



_Team Flare_

  * they are adorable and entertaining; don’t thwart them, they’re a live telenovela and we all want to see what they’ll do. the poor dears clearly aren’t native to Kalos. (we imported them from shadow-sinnoh. do not tell anyone.)



_Interpol_

  * their most recent agent, looker, has made no leeway into understanding our region. we look forward to seeing what eventually kills him.



  
  


**Misc**.

  * the Kalosian pokémon professor’s actual species is a legitimate debate. current popular theories include a basilisk, Xerneas, or Cthulhu. either way, don’t look him straight in the eye; the universe’s secrets are such for a reason, and the mental asylums are filled to bursting.
  * central, coastal, and mountain Kalosians do not speak the same language. when crossing the borders between these sectors, accept the new language being impressed unto your brain, and forget the old: it’s easier that way.
  * breathe in carbon dioxide, breathe out oxygen. this is how Zygarde has chosen to combat global warming. learn to do so at once, or be eaten for breakfast by a raging dragon.
  * when using mega evolution, make sure it is your pokémon evolving, and not you. Korrina doesn’t have time for your bullshit and you will be in trouble unless she takes pity. she is not prone to taking pity on foolish trainers.




End file.
